Latest news on top (start reading from the bottom up).
5:45 PM PURIM SAMEACH - HAPPY PURIM!!!!!!
5:43 PM Government announces new taxes. Collects booty from slain antisemites. Cabinet shakeups final. Power redistributed. Economy stabilized. Jewish Leadership praised by most Jewish citizens (still can't get rid of those radical Leftists/anarchists). Jewish safety and welfare now ensured.
5:36 PM Jews around the world recognizing the hidden miracle that happened to them. Confirming and Accepting upon themselves for all time a remembrance celebration.
5:34 PM Reports streaming in of Jewish victory parties around the world. Jews exchanging gifts, helping out the poor and needy, and eating (of course). New phrase introduced into Jewish lexicon "They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."
5:32 PM Second Strike successful! Jewish victory guaranteed.
5:30 PM Jewish Leadership asks permission for Second Strike in capital. Permission granted unconditionally - "Change" is in the air!
4:58 PM As reports of Jewish military victories stream in, the government is in a state of chaos. Officials are changing allegiances. No fence sitting for top officials as they are forced to choose sides. Jewish Leadership clearly taking charge.
4:47 PM After F-16 strike, UN is going to be silent for a long time. Antisemitism suddenly on the wane. Jews talk of opening up Conversion Authority as requests to join Jewish People suddenly jumps.
4:42 PM No surprises here. UN, completely silent until now (except for complaint of Jewish non-compliance with Jew laws), suddenly complains of genocide by the Jewish people.
4:41 PM Fighting has begun throughout the entire world. Jews slaughtering their enemies everywhere. Durban has been nuked. Entire family of hanged government official executed in public ceremony. Secret nuclear weapon facilities hidden throughout Middle East destroyed in Jewish lightning fast strikes.
4:31 PM Official Public announcements that Jews should defend themselves. Weapon distribution centers opened to Jews. Jews preparing. F-16s seen flying over Persian capital.
4:25 PM BREAKING NEWS: Details still unclear. There has been a major cabinet shakeup. The captured Jewish girl (the Woman in Green) has apparently been working undercover with the Jewish Leadership. Antisemitic Chief of Staff hanged on his own gallows. Two-State solution dropped from all official statements and releases.
4:03 PM WHAT GOING ON? Everything is upside down. Confused reports coming from the Government Center. Something serious happened during the After-Party.
We're trying to make heads and tails of what's going on. Will report as soon as we know more.
3:30 PM Government Binge Drinking Party ended, but now there are reports of an after-party.
While we can accept that the captured Jewish girl is confused, but even with assimilation and Oslo Syndrome, going to party after party while we the rest of us are under a death threat!
2:25 PM Random attacks against Jews reported. Drive-by shootings, rocks and rockets.
1:40 PM Reports of Gallows and mass graves being seen in the city.
1:30 PM Government leaders throwing another binge drinking party. Government calling for two-state solution - "up to half the kingdom". Jews in big trouble. Where will help come from?
1:20 PM Terrorist attack averted in Bnei Brak. Arab with knives caught about to attack Jews.
1: 15 PM What utter hypocrisy! We're fasting while some Jewish leaders are parading around the city in their royal finest.
Picture source: 1:11 PM It's confirmed there is a plan to kill all us Jews. Nukes, armies, swords, the works. The booty stolen from us is going to go the government coffers.
Jewish community leaders calling for nationwide fast.
12:33PM JoeSetttler exclusive: Jameel caught cross-dressing and driving drunk in an ambulance.
12:01 PM THIS IS BAD. VERY BAD. We are trying to independently confirm the reports of a new government decree that was just announced. Will let you know as details come out.
11:49 AM Rotter reporting that inside government sources are saying that the government is bankrupt, the coffers are empty, and the economic quorum is officially going to announce that the country is entering an economic depression.
Already the Jews are being blamed (like always). Antisemitism on the rise.
11:25 AM LAYING LOW? What in the world is wrong with our Jewish leadership? You call that laying low? The guy (you all know who I mean) is just purposely antagonizing him. How stupid can you get. Doesn't he even think about the repercussions for the rest of us here in the capital? He's probably doing this just because he got demoted. Civil servants. Yuch.
11:23 AM This is bad news. The cabinet reshuffle was worse than we thought. You thought the campaign for "Change" was bad? Now some major leftists have been appointed to key positions. And the Chief of Staff... one of the biggest anti-Semites around. We're in for some rough times, time to lay low.
10:59 AM Breaking News You heard it here first before it was on the news. Bulldozer-based assassination attempt foiled. And of course, a religious Jew stopped it.
Hero's identity is still secret (as per his request), but I guarantee we will uncover the connection between him and the Yeshiva.
10:23 AM WTF? (What the Farsi). Kidnapped girl showing signs of Oslo syndrome. Rumors that she is romantically involved with senior government official!
8:05 AM Well-known religious leader seen hanging out at a street corner in disreputable neighborhood. DovBear expects the worst.
8:03 AM No news on kidnapped girl, but rumors are running wild that the cabinet is being reshuffled.
7:15 AM EXCLUSIVE TO THE MUQATA: Woman in Green arrested by government forces - taken to unknown location. Jewish community leaders hushing up the story. But we have a picture of the kidnapping!
6:23 AM Coalition talks solidifying, but rumor has it that SHE is out of the picture. Good riddance. Not that this kleptocracy is any better.
6:00 AM Jameel is exhausted (and drunk) from partying last night in the Capital with all the big-wigs in the Central Committee. JoeSettler taking over for the day (unless Jameel wakes up).
Wherever I am, my blog turns towards Eretz Yisrael טובה הארץ מאד מאד
This is funny, I thought it was real at first!
ReplyDeleteThis is true honest reporting, though why would you choose Purim to do this?
ReplyDeleteYou could have done this last Tuesday or next Tuesday and pretty much reported the same news!?!
A Freilichen Purim... YL
I disagree - this isnt funny at all - some of the items here (mass graves etc) are inappropriate even if done in jest and is insensitive
ReplyDeleteWhat exactly do you think the Jews of Persia faced?
ReplyDeleteI've seen that king before!
ReplyDeleteThe unattributed photo is of last year's Purim Parade through downtown Washington, DC by members of my shul Ohev Shalom-The National Synagogue.
This year's parade starts at 1PM EDT at Bataan Street (just West of Scott Circle).
Come visit us when you're in DC.
Thanks. I found it without any attribution.
ReplyDeleteTo anonymous 4:27. I'm sure you've read the Megillah. The genocide of the Jewish people is exactly what was planned then, and is exactly what the Iranian government is planning now.
We need more pictures of Jameel on duty like that one! :)
ReplyDeleteThey had to drag him out of the ambulance before he threw up on all the equipment. He's sleeping it off right now. He doesn't even know they took this picture of him and I posted it.
ReplyDeleteNow you need to put everything in proper chronological order and post in as one piece - for the historical/archival record
ReplyDeleteYM: We reported it as we got the news. What do you want? To make it into a Gansei Megillah?
ReplyDelete"They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."
ReplyDeleteI am already working on the t-shirts.
wheres Jameel. he's got to have purim humor too.
ReplyDeleteJameel is sleeping it off.
ReplyDeleteWeird. It could almost be today if it wasn't 2000 years ago.
ReplyDeletemaybe joesettler could sleep it off too
ReplyDeleteThen who would update the blog?
ReplyDeleteWait....does this mean that there will be a Third Temple? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!
ReplyDeleteHow did you know this is my favorite fantasy?
ReplyDeleteAll yuo prove is that israel is a genocide aparthied state.
ReplyDeleteWell, which one are we, a genocide state, or an apartheid state? (and learn to spell you idiot)
ReplyDeleteYou can't have it both ways.
All yuo prove is that israel is a genocide aparthied state.
ReplyDeleteAnd another moron takes a word from my language that he does not grasp, and applies it with a meaning it does not have. You know, as a native speaker of Dutch, I am getting almighty fed up with Anglos hijacking that word. It's almost as if they have an imperialist / colonialist attitude towards other people's intellectual realms.
Oh wait, they actually do.
The Elders of Zion, the venerable and shadowy Jewish organization that controls the international banking industry, news media and Hollywood, has announced that it is disbanding so that members can retire to Florida and live out their golden years on the golf course.
ReplyDeletehttp://forward.com/articles/103587/
oy vey ole'
They tried to kill us; we won; now bring on the waffles!
ReplyDeleteAside from the picture of Jameel@theambulance, this was plain unpleasant. I think we can conclude that Mr. JoeSettler needs to get a) out more, b) a good therapist.
ReplyDeleteexhausting
ReplyDeleteppp: What exactly was unpleasant? I can show you chapter and verse where each update came from in the Megillah.
ReplyDeleteThe exceptions are:
1) the picture of Jameel
2) the terror attack attempt in Bnei Brak, which was real.
Did you also find the Megillah story to be unpleasant? Seriously.