Aviation Notes from 2011

2010 began with the afterglow of the underwear bomber. The government through the TSA implemented far more intrusive and tedious countermeasures in their ever failing effort to block terrorists from smuggling weapons and bombs onto the planes.

Far more passengers were randomly selected for questionings before boarding, extending the boarding time for all by an additional hour on average.

While new legislation required that the Full Body Scanner be deployed at all airports, implementation took time, and subsequently, full body pat downs and random selection strip searches ultimately reached a level of 10% of all passengers – adding an 2 hours for boarding at airports not up to legislative spec, and a certain amount of expected (but acceptable) annoyance from passengers.

But clearly the most intrusive and failed measure was the introduction of the Full Body Scanner at all airports.

The public was initially accepting of the scanner, understanding the need to trade a certain amount of privacy for security.

But even as the first “Celebrity Scans” were leaked onto the internet (understandably Angelina Jolie and ironically Arnold Schwarzenegger) the public took it in stride, meanwhile searches for “Celebrity Scans” became the number one search term on Bing and Google.

Successful bombing attempts at the beginning of 2010 became non-existent.

This success came to a quick end after a quick spate of successful bombing on flights that specifically originated from airports where Full Body Scanners were fully deployed.

In what could only be described as a panic, airlines began to introduce more aggravating and invasive measures on flights.

Monitoring the time allowed in the bathroom, no standing at all during the flights except to the bathroom, and then only with a flight attendant escort, as well as openly armed guards on flights became the norm.

What nearly caused a passenger revolt was when airlines, in desperation, forbade any carry ons at all, particularly laptops, cellphones, and ipods.

Confidence in the aviation industry dropped completely.

It was only when a sixth bombing attempt failed, due to three alert passengers noting the strange behavior on the part of the other two passengers (Barak Mohammed Jibril and Ahmed Hussein Said) on their international flight, and subsequently physically overcoming them with the help of the 10 in flight air marshals, that the government learned how the terrorists were by-passing the Full Body Scanner.

The terrorists were boarding in pairs each carrying half of an explosive liquid compound, that when mixed caused the massive explosions in-flight.

To bypass the TSA’s Full Body Scanners, each terrorist would bring on board their half of the compound in a hermetically sealed container embedded into their intestines. At some point during the flight each terrorist would expel their hermetically sealed compounds and the two would mix them together for a nearly instantaneous explosion.

In light of this discovery, 2011 promises to be a safe year for flying, as the TSA introduces new and improved measures to guarantee flight safety.


Barium enemas, MRIs, and CAT scans will now be required for all passengers before boarding. Full body cavity searches will be an allowed alternative for those who choose to not use the automated system.

To help cover the cost of this deployment, the government is legislating the security cost into the latest revision of the Health Reform bill.

All scans will be automatically downloaded to your insurance company who will help defray the costs, and in addition, the insurance companies will be able to preemptively use the scans to determine the level of coverage they will provide you and any additional premiums you will need to pay for current or potential illnesses they subsequently uncover.

All in all, a win-win situation for everyone, and without having to emulate the racist Israeli system of passenger profiling.


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