Caveat Emptor - Justice for Jameel, and some Waffles.

For those few loyal readers that actually read this blog daily, you may recall a story I posted about a few weeks back, when I purchased a flat LCD monitor for my wife on an ELAL flight. I wrote that ELAL was moving in the right direction for customer service (which I still agree with and will soon prove)...and I wrote that Newpan, the company which actually sold me the monitor has much to learn.

I also signed that posting as follows:

Newpan will NOT be receiving the Muqata seal of approval for customer service...and they have yet to experience that wrath of the Muqata.

heh heh...we'll see what happens...we'll see.

They haven't heard the last from me...

I wrote a very serious letter to EL-AL explaining that I had a lot of respect for the way they were continuously improving, and (IMHO) they treat their business travelers as valued customers. I also wrote that it's unfortunate that they use Newpan as a business partner, since Newpan not yet learned the value of a customer or understand the concept of customer service. ELAL called me up by phone a day later and said they would see what they could do...

Since then, I flew ELAL, and was given a complimentary upgrade from economy to business, no points required. Though I didn't blame ELAL in the slightest for the monitor mess-up, I'm very impressed that they upgraded me. (Then again, it could have been a pure coincidence that I was upgraded...but I still think my story had something to do with it).

The monitor arrived (a month late), my wife liked it and I forgot about Newpan.

End of story? Keep reading...

Last week I got a call from Newpan, and the salesperson excitedly informed me that my monitor had arrived in stock, and they would be sending it to me that day. I told them their inventory computer system must be needing repair, since they already shipped me the monitor a few weeks earlier.

The salesrep asked if I was happy with it, and I replied "yes", so she brightly said, "OK, so everything worked out well, right?"

I replied, "Exactly, everything worked out perfectly, expect:

1. The monitor came a month late so it wasn't a surprise present anymore.
2. You totally lied when you wrote on your promotional material that if an item is out of stock, that you'll "upgrade" it with an item of higher value or quality since you didn't offer me anything of better value, but of LOWER value.
3. You tried getting me to accept a monitor of lower value for the same cost as the better monitor I had ordered (without even telling me it was of lower value).
4. You taught me that your company's policy is that the customer always comes last.
5. I will never recommend your company to anyone.

Other than that, everything worked out just fine!"

"Hmmm," the sales-rep said, "I understand you're upset, let me call you back in a few minutes."

She did.

"Hi there, I spoke with my manager and he authorized a free gift for you, to help rebuild our relationship with you! [amazing what a letter to ELAL can do] You can either have a hand soup mixer or a Belgian waffle Maker. Since we already own a hand soup mixer, and the value of the Waffle maker was twice that of the soup mixer, I chose the Belgian Waffle maker (and if we wouldn't use it for personal use, I assume it would make a great gift to someone).

"Excellent!" The sales-rep said, "You should be very happy with us now...have a wonderful day..." And she hung up.

The waffle maker arrived 2 days later. But the story isn't over yet....

However...as something that bakes/cooks/comes in contact with food, it needed to be toveled (immersed) in the mikva.

The waffle iron parts weren't removable, and the instructions clearly said, "WARNING: Do not immerse in water!"

Hmmm...what to do? I called me friendly neighborhood Rav who offered me off the top of his head, 4 possibilities: (please note, there are different opinions concerning if electrical appliances need to be toveled, and if my memory serves me correctly, R' Moshe Feinstein held that a toaster did not need to be toveled)

1. Dunk the entire thing in the mikva (regardless of the warning) and let it dry out of a few days. While the Rav I spoke to personally does this, I'm not a big fan of it.

2. See if the waffles iron plates can be removed, and tovel only those. Sorry, not an option.

3. Sell the Waffle Iron to a non-Jew, and then borrow it from him, permanently. Maybe I could sell it to the Thai worker across the street?

4. This was most elegant possibility; the idea that any cooking/baking/food serving utensil that has been previously owned or manufactured by non-Jews require Tevilah. However, if you professionally disable the utensil to the point that it can't be used any more (i.e., more than just taking off the plug or taking a knob off), and the re-connect it/build it, then you, as a Jew, have completed "manufacturing" the item, and it therefore, does not require tevilla at all.

Being the hardware hacker that I am, this was definitely the most creative option, and the one I wanted to try.

Yet, this became even more challenging than I expected. Not only were the screws on the bottom of the waffle baker very special screws that needed a unique flat-head, horse-show type screwdriver, but you needed to remove the "warranty-buster" sticker as well.


Coming to the rescue was hardware-hacker par excellance, my good friend BoneCrusher, who had the right screwdriver, and took the whole thing apart.

OK, so we removed the warranty sticker...I'm not too worried about that....and we hope to use the waffle maker this coming Friday morning.

Lesson Roundup:

1. Fly ELAL
2. If you feel that a company has wronged you, don't hesitate to call them or write a letter of complaint.
3. You don't have to dunk your toaster in the mikva.
4. If you are going to try and give poor customer service to someone, I suggest you don't start up with the Muqata...

Wherever I am, my blog turns towards Eretz Yisrael

Muqata in Spaaaaaaaaaace!!!

Heh...just had a flashback to "muppets in space" from the 70s.

Check this out -- NASA is sending the Dawn spacecraft into the asteroid belt, and if you register by the 4rth of Novermber, your name can be sent into space with it!

This way, when aliens find the spaceship, they will have a definitive list of whom to eat when they follow the spaceship's trail back to Earth. You won't have to look for them -- they'll come right to your doorstep! (And if you act now, you get a cool looking certificate, suitable for framing, like the one I just got...)


Want your name on the list? Click here to enter. (Courtesy of PhysOrg.com)

The whole story is like this:

Submitted names will be carried on board NASA's Dawn, the first spacecraft to travel between and scrutinize two distinct worlds. Mission scientists are confident Dawn observations of asteroid Vesta and dwarf planet Ceres will answer basic questions about the nature and composition of these celestial wanderers.

"How many chances do you get to fly into the very heart of the asteroid belt?" said Keyur Patel, Dawn project manager at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Pasadena, Calif. "When the craft is launched in June 2007, yours and the names of your loved ones can hitch along for the ride and be part of space exploration history."

Dawn will carry a silicon chip containing the names of asteroid, space and other enthusiasts from around the world. People may submit their names for this historic one-way mission by visiting JPL's Dawn Web site now through Nov. 4 at http://dawn.jpl.nasa.gov . More than 170,000 people have already signed up for the asteroid belt tour.

Following launch, Dawn will employ an ion engine to propel it during its more than four year, 3-billion-kilometer journey (1.9-billion miles) to its first target – asteroid Vesta. After months of detailed scientific observation of Vesta, Dawn's ion engine will fire up again, and send it on its way for a 2014 rendezvous with Ceres, recently anointed a "dwarf planet" by the International Astronomical Union.

"This campaign will allow people from around the world to become directly involved with Dawn, and through that, become familiar with the mission's science," said University of California Los Angeles professor Dr. Chris Russell, Dawn's principal investigator.

So why not send your name, or your blog into space for posterity?

Worst case, they'll have you for dinner.

Or in my case, they'll tear apart Ramalla looking for someone named Jameel.

Wherever I am, my blog turns towards Eretz Yisrael

sad, sad, SAD chocoholics.

So I like Cadbury's Dairy Milk Chocolate, and occasionally buy some in the UK when I'm there on business trips...and I even bring some back with me (for eating at work).

My wife preferes I don't even bring it home...why bother with the temptation.

So I have this bar on my desk which I nibble at over the day, and if I'm lucky, it can last for days before it's finished.

Today, a coworker came into my office, sees the Cadbury bar on my desk and says, "WHAT? Chocolate? And you didn't TELL ME?"

Obviously, I offered her a few squares.

She asked for more.

I gave her more.

I asked for help with something I was working on...she asked for a bit more chocolate.

"Fine", I said, and gave her a bit more.

We walked out of my office, getting back to work.

She just walked into my office again (5 hours later from this morning's initial chocolate-fest).

"Any more chocolate," she asked?

"Sorry," I replied, "I'm a pig and finished it."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She shrieked at me...

Just when I thought this story was over, she picked up a magazine on my desk and started flipping through the pages. Suddenly she stopped.

"Chocolate" she whispered...she had found crumbs of chocolate buried in one page...and some slivers of it in the inner crease of the binding....

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I yelled, "Don't do it!!"

Too late.

She ate it!

I can't believe it. Old chocolate crumbs and slivers, not wrapped in foil or anything....*

Sad, Sad, Sad...

*I can't believe I'm admitting this, but the aforementioned magazine was in a bag, which I gave to someone the day before. At the bottom of the bag were 4 squares of chocolate, also unwrapped. I ate them too, but don't tell anyone.

Wherever I am, my blog turns towards Eretz Yisrael

What I'm not blogging about today..

1. The Upcoming Gay Pride Parade in Jerusalem.

You can read about it here, here, here, or here.

This poster's all over Jerusalem...


Translation: To the people of Jerusalem, The Mekubalim (mystics) and Hidden Holy people WARN: The Abomination Parade in Jerusalem may cause: A War in the North and a Bad Earthquake. Everyone to Battle!

2. President Katzav's mounting legal woes of the rape, harrasment, abuse of power, etc. charges about to be brought against him.

3. Rabin Memorial day, week, month, his legacy, and the continuing surrounding questions of his murder. Videos...

Woman who claimed 8 times that Rabin wasn't hurt.
Shooting of Rabin
Investigation of Yigal Amir
Dr. (and minister) Efraim Sneh claiming Rabin shot in chest, stomach and back.

4. The upcoming war in Gaza....any day now, the IDF is going to start a very large scale operation in Gaza.

5. Worth blogging about, but no time today: The war in Lebanon is over, but where are our 3 kidnapped soldiers? We should think about them daily.

6. The Disengagement is over, but the Jews from Gush Katif have no real permanent housing solutions, most don't have employment, and the government wishes they would disappear. We should think about them daily.

7. Why are the Qassam rockets still falling daily on Southern Israel from Gaza? Sederot is terrorized daily. Men, Women and Children...every day have to deal with the very real threat of rockets landing on their homes, cars and schools. We should think about them daily.

8. Regarding my post about the Jewish Olive Tree Killers from yesterday...YNET is still trying to find one to pin all the blame on. Isn't it nice that they put the article under the category, "global terror"?

And that's my roundup of things I'm not going to blog about today.

Wherever I am, my blog turns towards Eretz Yisrael

Jewish Olive Tree Uprooters?

Token-settler Chanoch Daum has an interesting article about his settler-brother who lives in my neck of the woods...the settlement of Yitzhar.

See, Daum (self-admittedly) lives in a "lightweight settlement" in Gush Etzion...and (self-admittedly) misrepresents the Yitzhar settlers as well. (Perhaps he misrepresents them by the very title of his article, that he attempts to find the good qualities of the Jewish Olive Tree Uprooters?")

This must be like the Yiddish aphorism; "May your enemy get a hernia by dancing on your grave" No Jewish compliment can be unblemished without some sort of backhand backstab?

At least he writes honestly:

It is not difficult to speak ill of the Yitzhar people. It is home for settlers who believe that the Yesha Council is a leftist organization, going through a troubling post-Zionist process.

They do not pray for the State of Israel, they do not really believe the Arabs have a right to exist in their vicinity, they consider homosexuality a mental disease, and are very strict about modesty edicts, which can easily be viewed as outright chauvinism. Even I have a hard time with them. Oh, yes. Disputing brothers will forever carry emotional burdens.

He does have some heart warming things to say...

Yes, I know, it is hard to separate the two. It is hard to separate the warmth and love I found in the Yitzhar synagogue from the way the very same people treat the IDF soldiers who guard their settlement. It is hard to separate the authentic joy of those worshipers from the most troubling fact that the settlement where my nephews live has no fence around it because it does not match the settlers' ideology.

It is not hard to see only the weaknesses of the Yitzhar dwellers. It is very easy to speak ill of them and fan the flames of the already prevailing public hatred toward them. Even if they are wrong, even if they think differently, there is a lot of beauty and kindness to be found in their midst. I believe it is important to remember that. It is important for me to remember that.

But why does he have to talk about uprooting Olive trees?

I donÂ’t know why it is so important for me to convince you that the Yitzhar residents have lots of fine qualities. It must have something to do with the fact that I too forgot that over the past six years. I have grown used to thinking of them as olive-tree uprooters, and forgot their finest quality - the one that every Israeli should study thoroughly and deeply.

Is that really the firstthingg that comes to mind when thinking of Yitzhar residents? And why the generalization? It's not like every Yitzharian does that for fun (if any do at all).

In my particular yishuv, the grey-shirted Yasam police have been wandering around lately, just itching for anyone to dare to look at the local Arabs picking their olives at the edge (and in) our yishuv. We, the settlers are their target, despite the fact that there were 2 serious IDF warnings of planned terrorist infiltrations over the past 2 weeks. We don't bother the Arabs or their trees -- but someone is trying to send us a message by sending the Yasam policemen to our neighborhood.

And they are far from Israel's finest.

Perhaps if Daum would stop reusing the sterotype that "Settlers are Olive Tree Uprooters", things would be better for everyone -- even if he has some nice things to say along the way?

Wherever I am, my blog turns towards Eretz Yisrael

Central Committee Musings - The Carnival's in Town

Last night, the Labor Party Central Committee met to decide if Labor should stay in Olmert's government despite the arrival of Avigdor Lieberman and his Yisrael Beiteinu party. Listening to the speeches on my way home from work, it brought back flashbacks from so many Likud Central Committee meetings I've attended.

Usually, Labor is pareve, dull, and lacking any excitement...a group of sullen party hacks who ran the country till 1977, and think they still have a real agenda. Contrasting that is (was) the Likud party -- vibrancy, excitement, table-throwing, screaming, microphone grabbing, electrical system tampering -- all the mayhem, color and smell of the Shuk in Machane Yehuda. Likudnim come from all segments of the Israeli society (good and bad), and more than once I heard that the Likud resembles Bnei Yisrael when they left Egypt and traveled the desert. Jews, yes. Some with a slave mentality, some with a galut mentality, some are princes and nobles, some are fighters, some rich, some poor -- but even with their whole mix and mess, they were still taken out of Egypt by G-d (and destined for greatness).**

Last night's Labor convention finally had some pizzaz, and for the first time,. I empathized with Labor MK Ofir Pines (for pronunciation aficionados, it's pronounced pee-niss). MK Pines may be my political antithesis and political adversary, but when he got up to speak last night, I felt for him.

He lambasted the Labor party hacks for wanting to stay in the government at the expense of their ideology, and I was reminded of the inverted situation a few years ago, when I was present at Likud Central Committee conventions, and we ostracized the Likud party hacks for supporting the Disengagement.

MK Pines lamented:

"I am product of the Labor Party, of the Labor Movement. This is my home since I joined the party when I was part of the Labor Youth, but this house is being buried before my eyes because of unreliability, because of deals, because of zigzags, because of lack of leadership."

He energetically denounced the party for having sold out its ideology for "staying in power" and that the Labor electorate would punish them.

Jameel's Flashback: Arik Sharon, Omri Sharon, Ehud Olmert, Limor Livnat, Tzachi HaNegbi, and other Likud party MKs sitting at the dais, smugly smiling at their bought off Likud Central Committee members who blindly chanted, "Arik, Melech Yisrael, Chai, Chai viKayam", and the rest of us blowing whistles and waving signs that the Likud party membership voted AGAINST the disengagement...and they were being ignored and stabbed in the back by the party hacks and leaders (in Israeli politics you can be a hack AND a leader).

Last night, the hacks were Fuad Ben-Elizer, Buzi Herzog, Yulia Tamir and Amir Peretz, whose mindless supporters sold out on ideology, despite the impassioned plea by MK Pines. He spoke very well (even if I disagree with 95% of everything he said), and I feel bad for him, as he watches his party get swallowed up by corrupt fat cats and small-minded politicians.

I may not like MK Pines, but he's a political adversary I would like to challenge and debate. Better him, than Jabba the Hutt-type Labor hacks like Fuad Ben Eliezer, Beiga Shochat and Amir Peretz. (I know Beiga Shochat's no longer a Labor MK, but he fits the image of Jabba the Hutt sooooo nicely)

A word of advice though to MK Pines; don't make the mistake of leaving Labor. Staying with the large parties is the only way to really influence anything. It's painful, but it's your only hope for the long run.

**And to those who question why I had anything to do with the Likud party, the current Israeli governmental system is led by the leader of the largest party. To lead the country or to have the most political clout, the most logical place to be is the largest party closest to your own ideology. Small parties may give you the feeling that you're a political big-shot, but how much protectiza and real life political power does a local Bnei Akiva chapter have anyway? None.

Wherever I am, my blog turns towards Eretz Yisrael

The Rain Game

I was in the UK last week as couldn't believe the uproar going on over the environment. Apparently, the lack of water in the London area of England is so bad, that Environment Minister Lord Rooker even proposed that London's population be relocated to Northern England! The environmental issues were the talk of the town.

I was rather surprised by the following:

1. Water in the UK isn't metered, but you pay a flat annual fee. I found that rather odd for a country that pretends they need to watch water consumption.

2. During Israel's winter, everyone is happy when it's raining -- a "good" day means it's raining. An excellent day is when the Kinneret fills up some more. In England...a rainy day is considered "bad"...and everyone thinks the environment is "the government's problem." Take my advice -- start metering your water, and be happy when it rains. Don't say, "The weather's awful" -- but be appreciative when the rain is filling up your reservoirs.

Watching the Kinneret's level rise every day is one of our national pastimes, and we hope and pray with "Mashiv HaRuach UMorid HaGeshem" (prayer for rain) that it will get filled to the brim this and every year.

We also watch the YNET flash animation that shows us the Kinneret's status every day...(if the flash animation doesn't work below, just click on the link)




Wherever I am, my blog turns towards Eretz Yisrael

Proteczia. Israel’s Vitamin P.

How does a Russian word like proteczia wind up one as of the most coveted words of modern spoken Hebrew? I guess it came along with the rest of the ills that accompanied Marxist Communism’s aliya to Israel, when Israel’s elite came almost exclusively from the Kibbutzim, and the socialist labor union, “The Histradrut” which ruled Israel with an iron fist.

Proteczia, for the unenlightened (or unfortunate, if they don’t have any), means “protection.” Protection from the “system” that allows you to bypass bureaucracy, rules, regulations, salary levels, prison, and can even open doors of opportunity – financial, military, government, commercial and institutional.

Some examples?

Your child has a cold and you need a certain (over the counter, though in extreme cases, proteczia can get you everything) medication for them. You call up the Kupat Cholim (HMO) and they are closed. You call up your neighbor (a nurse at the Kupat Cholim) and they have the key to the Kupa…and as a favor to you, they go to the Kupa with you and get the medication. If you weren’t friendly with this nurse or anyone within the local Kupa…meaning, you had no proteczia, you would probably have to go the pharmacy (shlep to the pharmacy) and pay more for it (provided you are lucky enough that the pharmacy to be open).

You’ve been job hunting in Israel for 6 months, and can’t find the job you want. You mention this to your friend in shul who says, “I hope you aren’t just sending your resume to different companies…if you really want an interview in the first place, you need to know someone on the inside. Give me your resume…” You send him your resume, and he talks to his friend in his company who is looking for someone that more or less matches your description. You get called for an interview…

There are 2 main parameters that determine the effectiveness and quality of your proteczia: how friendly are you with the person you are “cashing in the proteczia with”, and “how high up in the proteczia food chain” your friend is. Taking the above example: If your friend is a high-level manager, then the potential for you getting the job is higher, as well as having more potential to get a position you want. If the friend is a very good friend, then the likelihood of this scenario working out, improves.

A good example of this might be, how does a bimbo waitress become a Member of Knesset, or how does Bibi Netanyau’s secretary get to be a Member of Knesset and eventually, a Deputy Minister in the Israeli government? Friends in the right places…make all the difference. Or in one word, proteczia.

Yet…what does the poor oleh in Israel do? Alas, they make aliya, and their entire bank of connections, friends, and “proteczia” is left behind.

The Muqata Aliya Think-Tank has come up with a good solution for this (and if I had enough proteczia, perhaps I could get it implemented).

When olim from Western countries move to Israel, they are granted all sorts of tax-break benefits – reduced taxes on cars, furniture, appliances and the like. This totally annoys your average Israeli: “I live here my whole life, fight in the army, pay crazy taxes, have to deal with Jameel as a neighbor, and who gets a tax break? Those stupid, RICH olim? Why do they deserve ANYTHING – they should be penalized for moving here!” What the Israeli doesn’t realize is that the oleh IS being penalized for moving here – in that they lack the proteczia that the Israeli has. The Israeli has lots of proteczia, from his friends in the army, his friends from school, his chamula, (extended family)…and everyone helps everyone out. The oleh comes here with nothing.

My solution is as follows: Instead of the oleh getting the tax-breaks on different items, they should get a coupon book of “proteczia”. The idea is very simple:

You’ve been in Israel for close to 9 months, and you get a call from your bank. Apparently, they think you bounced a check. You know there’s a mistake since there’s money in your account… Without any proteczia, you would enter the bank, and wait on line…for a while. When you find someone to talk to, they send you to a different line…and you wait there as well. About the time you get to the correct teller, he/she goes on a break. You waste your whole morning, and the issue may or may not get resolved to your satisfaction over the course of the day, tomorrow, the following week, etc.

That’s old school.

With Jameel’s patent pending “Oleh Proteczia Plan (OPP)”, you rip out a coupon from your Ministry of Absorption –issued OPP booklet and enter the bank. You bypass the lines and walk directly to the bank manager’s office. He gives you a scowl (while not giving you the time of day) and you say, “Hey, Itzik! How’s it going? He gives you a puzzled look and says, “What are you doing in my office?” And you just smile and present your OPP coupon that says, “For Use in the Bank – the Bank Manager and your brother were in the same army unit together.” He takes one look and returns the smile, gives you a bearhug, and says, “Oh, how are you? Can I offer you something to drink? Please take a seat…what can I help you with?” Three minutes later you walk out of the bank, with your problem solved.

These coupons work for a whole myriad of situations;

Banks, Hospitals, Schools, Municipal offices, Car registration, Police, Mas Hachnasa & Bituach Leumi (IRS and social security) Ministry of Interior, Airlines, the IDF…even corporations!

Each oleh should receive a coupon book with enough coupons in it to last roughly 10 years. By then, you should have built up enough proteczia for yourself so that you won’t need any more coupons.

In the meantime, remember the old Israeli adage; If you have enough connections with people, you don’t need proteczia.

What’s your best proteczia story?



Wherever I am, my blog turns towards Eretz Yisrael

Israeli Trivial Pursuit Question #23

Who could forget playing Trivial Pursuit in the 1980's on Friday nights or Shabbat afternoon? I loved the science questions and hated the sports ones. (AirTime & Ezzie probably loved the sports questions).

Here's today's question for Israeli Trivial Pursuit:

Which of the following subjects does NOT include joint Arab and Israeli Settler Cooperation?

1. Protesting the Gay Parade to be held in Israel
2. Protesting the Security Fence
3. Fighting the war on car accidents
4. Joint Sewage lines

Answer will be in a follow-up posting...

Suggestions for new questions welcomed by email...valuable prizes for correct answers and good questions...? (that's a question, not a statement :)

Wherever I am, my blog turns towards Eretz Yisrael