Finally. A Scientific Explanation of the Singles Problem

Srugim, the hit TV show in Israel about religious singles in Jerusalem prompted me to think about the singles issue. Some call it a crisis, some call it a problem. Regardless of what you call it, there are more and more older singles out there.

Pop quiz: Are there more single men or women out there?

Every person whom I've asked this question has the same answer: There are lots more single women out there, than men.

Every singles shabbaton we've helped host, has always seen lots more men than women. My wife almost wouldn't let me come home till I registered some single men for one shabbaton (friends from work), which was hosted in our community -- since the shabbaton was almost hopelessly lopsided by an abundance of single women, and a dearth of single men.

Luckily for me, I begged a friend to come to the shabbaton, and he ended up getting married to someone he met there, and I was able to come back home...

Unsatisfactory answers I've heard to explain this phenomena are:

In Israel, men die in the army, so there are more women than men.
I don't believe that so many men are dying in combat/training on an annual basis as to actually impact the religious singles scene.

In Israel, more men die in car accidents than women.
I don't know if that's true, and even if it were, I doubt its statistically relevant enough on an annual basis to actually impact the religious singles scene.

So what's the root cause?

Religious men typically marry women younger than them -- even a few years younger.

Due to natural growth, there are more children born each year than the previous one.

As an example (not using real numbers, this is only to explain the point).

Children Born 1985 -- 1000; 500 boys, 500 girls
Children Born 1986 -- 1010; 505 boys, 505 girls
Children Born 1987 -- 1020; 510 boys, 510 girls
Children Born 1988 -- 1030; 515 boys, 515 girls
Children Born 1989 -- 1040; 520 boys, 520 girls

Therefore, assuming men marry women who are 3 years younger than them, in the year 2008, the 500 men that are 23 years old have a pool of 515 women to marry who are aged 20.

The following year, 505 men aged 23 will have a pool of 520 girls who are aged 20.

Over time, as men continue to marry women younger than them, and there is a natural growth increase in children, there will be more and more women without anyone to marry.

Without anyone to marry?

A possible solution could be;

As a society, we need to encourage women to also marry men their own age, or even men younger than them.

We shouldn't wait till singles are already late in their 30s, 40s or 50s...rather we should already encourage women in the 20s to consider marrying men their own age or younger.

Otherwise, the current situation will continue to grow and grow.

Thoughts?

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The Srugim Singles Swamp (continued)

**spoiler alert for episode 7**

The only show I consistently bother watching on broadcast TV is the weekly series of Srugim, the show about the Katamon religious singles swamp. Colleagues at work informed me that were going home early, to make sure they see it. Despite the buzz for the JBloggers convention, there is so much more buzz about Srugim.

From week to week, the show keeps getting better. It's definitely not a Jewish version of the "Friends" comedy show, but a stark depiction of real-life for this unfortunately-large community. The bittersweet beauty of the show is in its refusal to hide uncomfortable issues under the rug and approaches them head-on, though I'm sure some are disappointed by that decision (such as those who prefer to paint life in simple shades of black and white)

In last night's episode, Yif'at goes to a "mekubal" who informs her the reason she is having relationship problems is because her parents never had a kiddush in her honor when she was born. Dismayed, she goes across Jerusalem to a shul where no one knows her, so she can offer to host a shul kiddush on shabbat to resolve her shidduch and zivug crisis. Its amusing (though completely realistic) as the shul gabbi argues with her that she must bring kugel as well, and that a quiche wouldn't be acceptable without kugel. She angrily argues, "does G-d really care if I bring kugel or not?" He incredulously replies, "for something as important as a kiddush to resolve your shidduch problems, why wouldn't you bring kugel?!"

We watched the relationship evolve between Re'ut, the slightly rebellious, push-the-religious-envelope character... and Yochai, a student at Yeshivat Mekaz HaRav. Last week, Re'ut figuratively twisted Yochai's arm to teach her how to recite the Haftara, which she wants to be able to read at a women's tefilla group, in honor of her mother's yahrtzeit. Yochai, who normally teaches boys to prepare their bar miztva Torah readings, is adamant against against teaching Re'ut for reasons of tzniut (modesty) -- not wanting to hear her "sing" the haftara. She guilt-trips him into helping because she wants to honor her mother's memory, and he agrees that if he recites the haftara along with her, he'll be able to "look the other way" as she reads.

This week, Reut invites him to a Friday night "Ubiquitous Katamon Religious Singles Shabbat Dinner", complete with all the awkwardness of a new person showing up to a dinner where everyone already knows each other. To make matters worse, Yochai arrives slightly late -- just after a big fight where one of the roommates (Hodaya, daughter of a rabbi) defiantly turns off the light in the fridge (she forgot to turn it off before Shabbat). The primary roommate, Yif'at yells at her for desecrating the Shabbat and shouts that in her apartment, there will not be any chilul shabbat. Hodaya storms out.

After dinner, Re'ut asks Yochai to walk her home to her apartment...the climax being the "goodbye" scene when Re'ut invites Yochai up for coffee. He naturally and expectedly refuses, as one would expects of a student at Merkaz HaRav.

And then, with tension rising, surprising us all, he awkwardly kisses her, abruptly apologizes and flees down the block.

The look on Reut's face is priceless.

Instead of the expected happiness (attributing to her rebellious nature, wanting to go out with him, and wanting him to teach her to read the haftara, when it's becoming clear that she has ulterior motives), she has a look of querulous disappointment. As if saying, "this person I respect so much for his religious stature...has fallen..."

We're shocked and dismayed.

Did he let himself down? Will refuse to teach her or meet her again?

Did he let us down?

Wherever I am, my blog turns towards Eretz Yisrael טובה הארץ מאד מאד

Singles in Jerusalem (continued) - סרוגים

YNET entitles their article about "Srugim" as "Sex and the holy city." The article itself isn't bad, but to put "sex" in the title is simply poor taste, considering the show (as explained to me by Laizy, the director), had to be "clean enough" for an 8 year old. Then again...we'll have to see as the show progresses. (Our 8 year old's aren't watching it regardless)

At the age of 32, Laizy Shapira is still single. It wouldn’t be so crucial if he were a professional Tel Avivian, but Shapira is a religious man who lives in Jerusalem and leads his sentimental life there, passionately claiming that the capital is the perfect place for a religious pick-up, just like Tel Aviv is the capital of secular pick-up.

"Jerusalem for the religious is like Tel Aviv for the seculars," he explained. "A religious person over the age of 20 who has yet to marry will find himself there. Shavuot, for example, is one of the greatest bachelorhood holidays, when everyone goes on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem, to the synagogues and our entertainment centers.

"In Jerusalem, by the way, you can find a larger number of girls wearing pants, you will find much more pluralism. It's really different from the image you have of it. It's just like Tel Aviv, with coffee shops, kosher bars and synagogues which are the center of our scene.

"On Fridays you can see large gatherings of people outside the fashionable synagogues, talking and flirting with each other, and a lot of sparkles in the air." (Rest available here)

Last night I was thinking; was this show just a "Jewish/Israeli" version of "Friends" or "Seinfeld"? It could have been, but isn't -- it's much more serious and introspective, and not written as a comedy. Would such a show even work in the US, based on the Upper West Side, Jewish Singles Scene -- if there wasn't a laughtrack constantly running throughout the show?

This show works for Israel, but I don't know if it would for the US...even though I'm sure it would have as much (if not more) source material available...

Laizy based lots of show on the real life experiences of him and his friends.

"My series is the most reliable religious thing I've seen on the screen. Every time religious people are presented on the screen, the skullcap is in the wrong angle or the text doesn’t make sense. I was strict with every single detail. Even the skullcaps were knitted by my niece."

He may deny it, but Shapira created the series mainly for himself, and perhaps in order to meet new girls. The majority of the "Srugim" plot is derived directly from his daily life as a 32-year-old bachelor who has gone on dozens of dates but has yet to find the one.

This may sound like a plot for another of the dating series sweeping the screen, but in Shapira's world this is a real crisis rather than romantic caprices.

"I have gone on many dates over the past decade," he says, "and after turning 30 my parents lost hope. They show a lot of support for what is happening to me now, but manage not to mention the wedding issue. They know I'm working on it."

And why shouldn't he make a TV series, if it gets him a shidduch? FrumSatire's trying to do the same thing with HIS blog.

Good Luck Laizy -- we're rooting for you!

Wherever I am, my blog turns towards Eretz Yisrael טובה הארץ מאד מאד