Proteczia. Israel’s Vitamin P.

How does a Russian word like proteczia wind up one as of the most coveted words of modern spoken Hebrew? I guess it came along with the rest of the ills that accompanied Marxist Communism’s aliya to Israel, when Israel’s elite came almost exclusively from the Kibbutzim, and the socialist labor union, “The Histradrut” which ruled Israel with an iron fist.

Proteczia, for the unenlightened (or unfortunate, if they don’t have any), means “protection.” Protection from the “system” that allows you to bypass bureaucracy, rules, regulations, salary levels, prison, and can even open doors of opportunity – financial, military, government, commercial and institutional.

Some examples?

Your child has a cold and you need a certain (over the counter, though in extreme cases, proteczia can get you everything) medication for them. You call up the Kupat Cholim (HMO) and they are closed. You call up your neighbor (a nurse at the Kupat Cholim) and they have the key to the Kupa…and as a favor to you, they go to the Kupa with you and get the medication. If you weren’t friendly with this nurse or anyone within the local Kupa…meaning, you had no proteczia, you would probably have to go the pharmacy (shlep to the pharmacy) and pay more for it (provided you are lucky enough that the pharmacy to be open).

You’ve been job hunting in Israel for 6 months, and can’t find the job you want. You mention this to your friend in shul who says, “I hope you aren’t just sending your resume to different companies…if you really want an interview in the first place, you need to know someone on the inside. Give me your resume…” You send him your resume, and he talks to his friend in his company who is looking for someone that more or less matches your description. You get called for an interview…

There are 2 main parameters that determine the effectiveness and quality of your proteczia: how friendly are you with the person you are “cashing in the proteczia with”, and “how high up in the proteczia food chain” your friend is. Taking the above example: If your friend is a high-level manager, then the potential for you getting the job is higher, as well as having more potential to get a position you want. If the friend is a very good friend, then the likelihood of this scenario working out, improves.

A good example of this might be, how does a bimbo waitress become a Member of Knesset, or how does Bibi Netanyau’s secretary get to be a Member of Knesset and eventually, a Deputy Minister in the Israeli government? Friends in the right places…make all the difference. Or in one word, proteczia.

Yet…what does the poor oleh in Israel do? Alas, they make aliya, and their entire bank of connections, friends, and “proteczia” is left behind.

The Muqata Aliya Think-Tank has come up with a good solution for this (and if I had enough proteczia, perhaps I could get it implemented).

When olim from Western countries move to Israel, they are granted all sorts of tax-break benefits – reduced taxes on cars, furniture, appliances and the like. This totally annoys your average Israeli: “I live here my whole life, fight in the army, pay crazy taxes, have to deal with Jameel as a neighbor, and who gets a tax break? Those stupid, RICH olim? Why do they deserve ANYTHING – they should be penalized for moving here!” What the Israeli doesn’t realize is that the oleh IS being penalized for moving here – in that they lack the proteczia that the Israeli has. The Israeli has lots of proteczia, from his friends in the army, his friends from school, his chamula, (extended family)…and everyone helps everyone out. The oleh comes here with nothing.

My solution is as follows: Instead of the oleh getting the tax-breaks on different items, they should get a coupon book of “proteczia”. The idea is very simple:

You’ve been in Israel for close to 9 months, and you get a call from your bank. Apparently, they think you bounced a check. You know there’s a mistake since there’s money in your account… Without any proteczia, you would enter the bank, and wait on line…for a while. When you find someone to talk to, they send you to a different line…and you wait there as well. About the time you get to the correct teller, he/she goes on a break. You waste your whole morning, and the issue may or may not get resolved to your satisfaction over the course of the day, tomorrow, the following week, etc.

That’s old school.

With Jameel’s patent pending “Oleh Proteczia Plan (OPP)”, you rip out a coupon from your Ministry of Absorption –issued OPP booklet and enter the bank. You bypass the lines and walk directly to the bank manager’s office. He gives you a scowl (while not giving you the time of day) and you say, “Hey, Itzik! How’s it going? He gives you a puzzled look and says, “What are you doing in my office?” And you just smile and present your OPP coupon that says, “For Use in the Bank – the Bank Manager and your brother were in the same army unit together.” He takes one look and returns the smile, gives you a bearhug, and says, “Oh, how are you? Can I offer you something to drink? Please take a seat…what can I help you with?” Three minutes later you walk out of the bank, with your problem solved.

These coupons work for a whole myriad of situations;

Banks, Hospitals, Schools, Municipal offices, Car registration, Police, Mas Hachnasa & Bituach Leumi (IRS and social security) Ministry of Interior, Airlines, the IDF…even corporations!

Each oleh should receive a coupon book with enough coupons in it to last roughly 10 years. By then, you should have built up enough proteczia for yourself so that you won’t need any more coupons.

In the meantime, remember the old Israeli adage; If you have enough connections with people, you don’t need proteczia.

What’s your best proteczia story?



Wherever I am, my blog turns towards Eretz Yisrael