Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Jameel @ The Shrink (The Anti-SoccerDad)

Out of the entire JBlogosphere, there's only ONE particular blogger who has decided that I'm neurotic about my hatred towards the World Cup. He leaves comment after comment that imply I have way too many issues with it...and should get over it already. He must be among the 2 billion people that take offense to the Simpson's video I posted. (BIG hat-tip to Mike M. for it :-)

Normally, I'm thick skinned enough to ignore such comments. But he irked me...I thought about what he said...and then thought about it some more.

Therefore, I've decided to break with blog protocol and discuss something very, very personal on my blog...why I can't stand spectator sports...specifically soccer, or "footie" as that blogger calls it.

I must mention first that bashing the world cup has its advantages. The Simpson's video I posted yesterday was picked up by my friend Jack for other's viewing entertainment...and then I even got a link to a blog I'd never heard of before..."The Streim" Apparently it's a German blog and it also liked my posting about the 2 billion dimwits watching the World Cup.

"Fußball ist… öde! Stimmt nicht? Dann mal schnell hier die “Simpsons” gucken: “Pass in den Flügel. In die Mitte. In den Flügel.” Oder, wie Homer S. sagen würde: “Boooooring.”

My German's a bit rusty, so I had to use the google (tm) language translation tool to figure out what he wrote:
Football is desert…! Isn't correct? Then times the “Simpsons” looks fast here: “Passport into the wing. Into the center. Into the wing.” Or, as Homer S. would say: “Boooooring.”
Football is desert?


Like endless sand dunes, camels, blazing hot sun, and no water -- that kind of desert?

Whatever. Anyway - I got sidetracked with that German blog, but here goes:

Walking up to Dr. Mark's office, I knew I had to finally face the music. This was one of those life milestones that could not be avoided and it was about time to get some therapy for my intense hatred towards that awful spectator sport football.

The pleasant looking secretary smiled at me. "Good Morning Jameel, Dr. Mark will be available shortly. Please take a seat."

A neat pile of magazines were piled up on a coffee table near the couch. Let's see..."Soccer Daily"...hmmm. Let's put that at the BOTTOM of the pile.

Newsweek Magazine - looks good. Huh? World Cup on the cover? I'm starting to sweat a bit.

I look up and there's a cool 32 inch plasma TV on the wall....and its a World Cup game? England vs. Micronesia? And Micronesia is winning? Good for them. My heads starts to spin...and Dr. Mark calls me to his office.

I lie down on his couch and it all starts to unravel. My psyche burts out through our conversation...and it was awful....all those pent-up latent memories...

When I was 14 months babysitter (could it have been my older brother?) dropped me on my head when Pele missed the goal of the game. I'm screaming in pain and STILL get no attention as my caretaker dejectedly slumps on the couch. Hello?! I'm in pain here? Doesn't anyone care?

Kindergarden. My dad didn't attend my kingdergarden (please note corrected spelling) graduation ceremony because he was too busy watching the World Cup. All the other kids had parents there. Not me. The parents of the girl I never got along with drove me home as we sat in the back seat sticking out our tounges, and making obnoxious faces at each other.

1982. I was all excited about the upcoming World Cup. I went out and purchased pennants, soccer balls, posters of my favorite players...everything was set. My older brother's girlfriend started laughing at me saying that soccer was stupid and for wimps. She said ice-hockey was so much more interesting. Since then I shy away from soccer and play hockey on motzei shabbat.

Attempting to get back in the groove, I partied during college at a post World Cup championship party. Unluckily for me, I overslept the following morning and missed the infamous MBAT exam AND my Economics Final exam. Soccer and the World Cup lower my GPA to 3.49, ruining my chance to go to Med School.

Sophmore year. First serious girlfriend I ever had...she was a fan for Estonia. I was rooting for Argentina. We broke up after Argentina won and I did a victory dance at Shmulka Bernsteins giving a high-five to all the Chinese waiters....she was not impressed.

After I dropped her back at Stern, she told all her friends that only a loser would root for Argentina. We haven't spoken since. But I could never get rid of the amazing world cup kippa she crocheted for me. Maybe I should sell it on ebay?

My first summer job. Belcore. Mega cool radar system for submarines. I was fired for encouraging my fellow lab partners to run practice drills through the hallway. I couldn't control myself as I screamed, "GOOOOOAAAAAL"

I was so much better than them anyway.

My kids were soccer freaks -- till they smashed a soccer ball through my neighbor's bay window, breaking the 7th century Ming dynasty vase. That was the last straw.

I was now the scourge of the neighborhood...everyone hated me...and I decided that never again would I watch soccer...european it what you want.

And never as a spectator. It ruined my life.

That was years ago.

Now I'm a fully functional member of society, and I control my psyche by raging out on my blog against all the idiots watching the world cup. All Two Billion of them.

There, I feel much better now.

Now we can back to business.

Aliya anyone?

Wherever I am, my blog turns towards Eretz Yisrael


Pragmatician said...

It’s sure understandable why you dislike the world cup, and it's great to see your more aggressive side for once.
Now could it be that in addition to all the related traumas you suffered, you dislike it because it’s plain moronic?

exsemgirl said...

Before I start one MAJOR correction: England??? Lose a game to Micronesia???? You mad?? Never. So don't even dream about it...

Only ONE blogger thinks you are neurotic about your hatred to the World cup???????
Do I never get counted or have you just been putting in earplugs at my E-N-G-L-A-N-D cheers??

Well according to your story I can understand why you don't feel that enthusiastic about the World Cup...but guess what? Some people do (in case you haven't noticed) and they don't appreciate you dissing their country k???

So block your ears...

Jameel @ The Muqata said...

Prag: *sigh* Just look at the comments from these poor people in ENGLAND. oooooh - Ive *dissed* their country.

Maybe now I'll get even more hate mail than I got from the Philipino Bloggers when I wrote "Fleeing Manilla"

Anonymous said...

It's nice to see Mike M get the credit he deserves!

Anonymous said...


you poor, bitter 'merkin.

Yellow Boy

Dot Co Dot Il said...

Jameel - its a sign of the strength of our bond that not even the World Cup can come between us. If only we could hug it out.

Jameel @ The Muqata said...

DCDI: Err, I like my personal space, thanks.

I can wave to you from here if that will make you happy...

Dot Co Dot Il said...

Since you're asking, what would make me happy would be if you left comments on my blog ;)

tafka PP said...

I'm with Yellow Boy and Exsemgirl on this one- I maintain that if America were any good at this sport, you wouldn't have such a big fat blog chip on your shoulder.

Jameel @ The Muqata said... we currently have 3 bloggers (out of the 2 billion) in favor of The World Cup stupidity vs. the rest of the planet.

America COULD be good at this sport if they bothered...but it' That's excitment?

B O R I N G.

Shoshana said...

LOL!!! From the perspective of someone who will be a counselor one of these days, I think you need to let go of all of your deep-seated emotional pain due to soccer...and just enjoy the World Cup once again :)

tafka PP said...

No, Jameel, it couldn't. America isn't actually good at anything except for inventing Junk Food and sports that nobody else can play (and then calling it's national competition a "World Series"- I think that needs mentioning again) and voting in imbeciles with no IQ to lead it.

Anyway, since when does your blog turn towards the US of A? Enough already, admit you are wrong...

Jameel @ The Muqata said...

tafka pp: yes, my blog does not turn towards the USA, though I am in the midst of filing taxes to there today. (My accountant said to me this morning, "Ah, the late Jameel Rashid...I was expecting your call")

However, admit I was wrong? Wrong about what? The World Cup being a totally stupid waste of time, money amd effort?


Jack Steiner said...

I'm with Yellow Boy and Exsemgirl on this one- I maintain that if America were any good at this sport, you wouldn't have such a big fat blog chip on your shoulder.

HAH! America has the ability and resources to dominate this game. The thing that is lacking is the desire.

What we don't have are rules in pubs about what you can wear. You'll never worry about walking into one to find out that the proprietor is concerned that your jersey is going to cause a riot.


Don't worry about it. Two world wars, the Inquisition, and the Crusades tell me that Europe has invented plenty of amazing events.

Not to mention that fans here would never make monkey noises or throw fruit onto the field.

Boy, I feel left out. Maybe I need to kick a ball and chase it around the yard for a while. ;)

Irina Tsukerman said...

LOL. Hilarious! : D

StepIma said...

plus it takes away from your lifetime devotion to Curling.

DTC said...

All of the "World Cup Followers" in my office were rolling on the floor over that Simpsons clip. Somethings just strike too close to home.

Jameel @ The Muqata said...

StepIma: SHHHHHHHH! Are you trying to "out" me on my own blog?!

Jack: Thanks for the moral support! (Didn't the US totally kick England's behind in 1776?)

Irina: thanks!

DTC: Hope you didn't yawn too much while watching it!

Anonymous said...

I cant watch it because they call it football!! their is only 1 game calld football!!! GO GIANTS!

Ezzie said...

U S A !!!

U S A !!!

I actually enjoy the World Cup, but I won't go out of my way to watch it. It was a lot of fun in Israel, though... :)

Chaim said...

Jameel you rock, I've got a post coming up dedicated just to you ...

Jack, they sure have created huge things. You were dead on.

Ezzie, your embarrassing us, (maybe its the Cleveland in him, eh Jack?)

Oh and not only did the US kick England's butt back in 1776, we did it with a tiny, tiny group of farmers and colonists.

Jameel @ The Muqata said...

Chaim: Thanks :)

Ezzie: The Eurovision used to be alot more fun...till Israel started entering with STUPID songs.

westbankmama said...

High fiving the Chinese waiters in Shmulka Bernsteins...what a great line! Very funny Jameel.

Anonymous said...

Watch the Mondial for Free:

exsemgirl said...

One sec the USA did try yet lost 3-0 so instead of showing a brave face you guys opt not to care altogether and to put down those who do...

Ok soon to be therapist shoshana what does that mean??

In my language I call it jealousy.

So stop dissing the world cup and let those who have decent teams enjoy it. :P


kasamba said...

Were anybodys ashes in the vase?

Anonymous said...

You reallyad a good therapist.

Anonymous said...

Well exsem, with Englands chances "rooned" and a disastrous showing in their first game (lucky win) I would pipe down there.

exsemgirl said...

anon - I agree that wasnt the greatest show but we can do it an i aint gonna pipe down :P.


So there :P

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Giants Fan- Let us clear something up. You call that game game "FOOT-ball"... Yet you use your HANDS.

Actually, what your country decided to call "American Football" the rest of the world calls Rugby. Nobody else seems to need the protective padding and cheerleaders. But hey, you keep on telling yourselves you rule, if it makes you feel better!

Jameel @ The Muqata said...

PP: Lets clear something up -- the UK plays rugby on a RUG???

Or perhaps the silly people watching the game are all wearing toupees?

Cricket? I don't hear any chirping!

Rounders...isn't the playing field square?

Kasama: I think that Ming was in the Vase.

Daaty: Yes, my blog is a great therapist! :-)

WBM: I hope to write a post about Shmulka Bernstein's as well soon.


england: W H O C A R E S !!!

I would have even expected many more English bloggers to stand up and shout out like you are...but I guess all the English bloggers from the UK either agree with me, or are too busy being part of the pathetic 2 billion!

(Don't worry - when the time comes, I'll rant against the US Superbowl as well... ;-)

exsemgirl said...

They don't stand up cause they rely on me to represent them... :P

And like you said they are far too busy preparing for tonights game...


Jack Steiner said...

Nobody else seems to need the protective padding

This helps to explain some of the other monstrosities they have given the world such as Eurovision, the English dental system and some absolutely horrid music.


Do you think that we are jealous of a small water soaked island? A little tiny place that hasn't won the cup in a thousand years. The same tired country whose real claim to fame is tied into hoooliganism and excessive drinking.

Or maybe it is that amazing English cuisine. ;)

Jameel @ The Muqata said...

Swift: Drama Queen? That ought to send me back into therapy for years!

JJ said...

Ah, Bernstein's...the memories! Get to writing that post!

You know, I've never suffered any soccer-related traumas- yet I still don't like the game! Although I admit, when Israel played Ireland and France, I did watch a bit and was actually able to appreciate some of the players' fancy footwork.

But after a few minutes, it's just so boring! They jog up the field...they jog down the field...he passes to him...he passes it back to him...they jog up the field...they jog down the field...etc. etc. etc.


exsemgirl said...

Jacks shack - I think you ppl just don't understand the wonderful atmosphere here during the world cup...

I am being persauded to post about it...

Jack Steiner said...


I was in London in '98 and I saw the atmosphere. I noticed the many places you could not wear your football jersey for fear of violence.

I understand that this is the modern egel zahav.

exsemgirl said...

Jacks shack - Are there two Londons??? I was in school then and the local atmosphere was crazy. Though to be fair I think it is crazier this year.
Limey - OK OK OK I give up...but i still have to post that promised post...

Jack Steiner said...

Jacks shack - Are there two Londons??? I was in school then and the local atmosphere was crazy.

There might be. Either way it doesn't change the reality that it is a dull sport requiring limited skill.

It is far more fun to play than to watch.

Jack Steiner said...

dull sport limited skill???? you never played have you?

I played it for years. How much skill does it take to run, to dribble and kick.

Not nearly as much as it does to hit a little ball traveling in excess of 90 MPH.

And dull is an apt description, unles of course you are watching the fans in the stands kill each other.

פייגא דבורה said...

You get the weirdest post ever award

Jameel @ The Muqata said...

Feigey - Thanks! Thats the nicest thing anyone's every written to me on my blog!

Please do come back and visit often.

Shavua Tov!

Jack: Thanks so much for the comments - you're the life of the party :)

Jack Steiner said...

in cricket they hit balls going at 90 mph and it IS THE DULLEST sport ever

What do you expect. They play a game named after an insect.

Anonymous said...

Well for anyone who is interested in reading a blog about the World cup, check out

sorry, had to plug my friend's new blog (who also happens to be a HUGE Worldcup Fan)

Search the Muqata


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